Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
