i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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