I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm just crazy horny about you
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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