remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
