note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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