I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
