I just pynch a tree in the face
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
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Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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