Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
