I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
