I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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