Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
