New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
