dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
