Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
