So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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