Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
