I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
