If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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