i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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