i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
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I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
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I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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