My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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