She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
