my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
