I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
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And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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