1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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