my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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