Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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