the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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