Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
