It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
