I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
