Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
jump out the window naked night went bad
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