During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
