Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
