this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
