I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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