I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
