Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
