Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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