david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
