you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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