and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
