Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
