Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
