her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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