My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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