I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
