If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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