everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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