U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
