Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
