I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
