i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
