How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
