i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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