Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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