My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
