I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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