Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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