How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
